FUCK July 4, 2009

It’s a Thursday and Jashbeiner has an “Iron Chef” themed party he plans to attend that night. If you are not familiar with Iron Chef, it is a cooking show where two chefs are given two ingredients that they must include in a full course meal. At this particular Iron Chef party, the two ingredients were orange and corn.

Jashbeiner thought “Hey! I know how to make popcorn! all I have to do is make it orange somehow…” A simple recipe was found, the recipe called for the special ingredient “Tang” this excited Jashbeiner.

Jashbeiner opened the bag of popcorn kernels and carelessly set it down, the opened bag toppled off the counter. About 6 cups of popcorn scattered all over the kitchen floor.

FUCK

Jashbeiner cleaned up the mess, and as usual is now running late. He has only an hour to make the orange popcorn, shower and bike 4 miles to the party.

It is now that Jashbeiner decides to microwave a stick of butter for a whole minute to soften it. Ten minutes later he remembered the butter in the microwave only to find a greasy puddle all over the bottom of the microwave.

FUCK

Of course Jashbeiner did not read the directions before starting to cook like any great chef and began to mix all the ingredients together in one pan under medium heat. The pan began to overflow all over the stove and caramelize. At this point he decided it to actually read the directions. As he had guessed, he had done nothing right so far.

FUCK

Now panicking and running out of time, Jashbeiner decides to pour the overflowing orange caramel shit onto popped popcorn in a giant pan and put it in the oven.

The recipe called for the popcorn to bake for one hour and then allowed to completely cool before eating. Jashbeiner could only let it bake 15 minutes.

With this in mind Jashbeiner decided it would be a great idea to turn the oven up to its highest temperature, naturally. Once 15 minutes had passed, the clusterfuck looked oddly brownish and smelled of burntorange lolipops.

Jashbeiner did make it to the party with his creation in hand. It was surprisingly edible… call it Jewish luck.

The next day…

Jashbeiner’s glasses which have been broken and repaired many times before, were broken again playing an basketball at the park.

He comes home and finds some super glue in one of the drawers in his house, this should be an easy fix he thinks…

Upon trying to apply the super glue to the glasses frame, the glue poured out of the bottle like a water faucet all over the glasses and his hands.

FUCK

The heaps of superglue now quickly solidifying all over his glasses and hands felt like a chemical fire, seriously his hands starting heating up fast, it felt really wrong.

Jashbeiner looked at himself hard in the mirror, a frown took over the bottom of his face and his eyes shattered into a million pieces.

BUT WAIT! whats this? Jashbeiner found super glue remover in a drawer! its a miracle were saved! but wait Jashbeiner is already one step ahead. Thinking  he was applying this miracle solution jashbeiner accidentally picked up the super glue bottle again (in his defense they were the same shape/size) and and re-applied twice as much super glue ON TOP of the super glue already covering his glasses and hands. Oh and the superglue remover didn’t work at all, but the toxic smell it released did make him feel like dying a little.

now at the present time or moment June 22, 2009

The jive Joe jacks his Jurassic jolly jelly gently. His jam jaggedly jumps over a giant giraffe. “jesus!” joe jeers while Jev’s jumping Jesus jives jerky Jordon Jerry’s penis

• WE ARE

Deft deers dangerously dumping in deeply drenched diapers

• WE ARE

Fervent Fellows ferociously fighting fat farting freaks

• WE ARE

Gangly guys gaily groping gray glowing garbage

• WE ARE

Powerful pals peacefully picking  puny pillow pants poop

• AND NOW A SHORT STORY

A big bad battalion of beautiful black birds bank behind buildings burping, biting, bantering like badly burned bucking babies balancing between bricks before buying bags of brown balding badgers banging big bouncy balls on brown bars, besides when a baker is branding biting blobs and banging out bland barf books beneath his bristling butt don’t blow your bony beans, bitches be blumpkins, believe it or not.
We can be likened to a fresh dump taken atop a steaming pile of trash.

For Pete’s sake. Think of Pete

for crying out loud. I only cry in quiet

Goodbye Jashbeiner =( May 3, 2009

Fuck

Maybe this is incredibly obvious.

I am the only one that even attempts to keep this blog active.

Therefore I am denouncing Joes ownership of this blog.

I have changed the name to Jasher Circus (and I have changed the password and havn’t told Joe what it is!)

If Joe ever decides to not suck anymore he MIGHT be given a second chance, I doubt this is going to happen.

This is a sad time and as much as it hurts to have to do this, the show must go on.

Thank you (not Joe)

Not all that bicycles do is good April 28, 2009

Every week, 1 million animals lives are lost in the US due to roadkill. (unchecked source but who cares, this is Jashbeiner)

This has always been my  one of my biggest dislikes of all the dislikable things cars do.

I have always thought bikes were mans most perfect invention, that they had no faults, well I was wrong.

I have freaked the bajeesus out of many animals while on my bike, which never amounted to more than some frantic dashing or flapping out of my path.

One time a squirrel leaped in front of my wheel and began a mad dash directly in front of my bike barely dodging serious harm. The whole episode lasted maybe a second but I remember it as if it happened in slow motion. I remember clearly the sound of its scraping claws grasping frantically along the cement path. I stared into the little critters fear filled eyes for what seemed like ages just before it made a its heroic Indiana Jones dive out of the way barely escaping death.

Today the squirrel (I am assuming it is the same one) was not so lucky, this time I was going just a little too fast, and it jumped into my path much too late.

It was like any normal ride home, when all of the sudden i see movement from the right, then underneath me, whoosh, squish, sickening bone crunch….

Before either me or the squirrel knew what was happening, I had snapped its spinal cord in two under my front wheel, followed by my back wheel.

I looked back, and saw that the squirrel remained where I had hit it. I rode back hoping what had happened had not just happened.

It happened.

Jashbeiner has learned a valuable lesson today, a bike is a weapon…

a weapon that Jashbeiner unwillingly wielded today and Jashbeiner took a life.

I have to live, knowing i did this, for the rest of my life and I will never be able to look at my bike the same.

I am going to post these signs along the river paths in honor of nuts and to save others like him.

The “Pathkill” didn’t look too bad, it had some blood coming out of its nose, but its body was completely intact. Fluid had amassed on the underside of its eyeball in what looked to be tears of sorrow from recently dying.  It was completely lifeless.

I used some sticks to carry it to the river side…. where I slowly lowered it into the water. I said some Jewish because it was all i could think to say. I apologized for killing it . I decided to give it a name out of respect, I named it nuts or in Hebrew, Egozeem. It was nuts for jumping out in front of me like that plus sometimes i yell “nuts!” when i am disappointed, and boy was I disappointed.

in fact, I felt terrible.

Later that night at work, my Saudi Arabian coworker Mashel, had some very wise and helpful words from his country. He said “It was an animal and i see you are very sad, but at least you are not like those people who kill human beings and are like SWEEET!”

suspicious words from a towel head… I was relieved when he left the building.

however he was right, there was nothing SWEEET about killing nuts.

April 28th, 2009

This will go down as the day Jashbeiner learned his bike was a dangerous weapon.

The day nuts died.

RIP nuts

your death was not in vain.

There will be a memorial service in my room tonight starting at 12:32am.

Birdstress and The Twelve Spicy Chickens April 11, 2009

A spicy chicken in all of its glory

It was a Friday night, a common night of the week for Jev and Joe to be reminded of the fact that they have absolutely no reason to be alive.

Birdstress flourishes in these times, it thrives on them.

The Beach! Joe exclaims over the phone, You really wanna go?
hell yea Jev does, does he have a choice? no he doesn’t, but he did really want to go seriously Joe.
Joe promptly arrives at the door.

Its time.

Twelve spicy chickens are ordered from the Carl’s Jr. drive through.

12 piping hot $1 sandwiches are thrust into a bag, onward to the beach!

Four spicy chickens are hungrily devoured in the car ride

Joe happily pees with himself near the ocean

Two are peacefully swallowed while taking a midnight stroll along a secluded coastline

Two more are thoughtlessly ingested while sharing scary stories at a campsite before passing out in excruciating pain. Of the remaining 4 spicy chickens, 2 were left safely in the car, while the last 2 were strategically placed on the roof of a small tool shack in case of large animals. With only a brown paper bag protecting these two spicy chickens from the elements, they were to become quite soggy by the morning.

sick

A half hour after passing out Birdstress is awoken in much discomfort, the tent reeks of spicy chickens and butts. Jevs weak stomach can’t take it and he spews a giant yellow spicy chicken puddle by a tree, Joe… bravely holds steady against the creeping up of a massive dump.

The night passes and morning arrives, Jev feels wonderful, Joe takes an hour long dump then feels wonderful too.

On the car ride home Birdstress realizes there are 4 spicy chickens still left. Birdstress surprises even themselves and manages to put one down each on the car ride home while somewhat enjoying it…

Upon the ending of this journey as Jev and Joe split to return to their normal non-spicy chicken consuming lives, they each take one each of the left-over soggy spicy chickens with them with a promise to each other that they will be eaten before the day is through.

Jev just finished his, and his stomach feels like it is melting.

As for the twelfth and final spicy chicken…. only Joe knows it’s story and for all we know he is likely dead.

The Miracle Of Birdstress February 23, 2009

Jev observes Joe from car.

Recently an event happened, that is a strong reminder of the miracle that is Birdstress.

I believe this incident strengthened Birdstress.
You aren’t going to believe, but don’t let that stop you from believing it.

:::We pushed ourselves off a cliff:::

While riding mountain bikes side by side on a road, Jev to the left and Joe to the right next to a steep drop off. Jev is excited by Joe and general situation and begins thrusting his front wheel off the ground and yelling “mountain bike,” which is what they were doing, mountain biking. The happening went something like this.

(Jev’s wheel goes up and off ground and down onto ground)  Jev yells ”’MOUNT!” (wheel goes up and back down)  “TAIN!”  (wheel goes up and hits the ground for the last time) “BIKE!” At this point Jev’s wheel after hitting the ground is facing crookedly towards Joe, causing Jev on bike to quickly and directly move into Joe on bike.

Jev hits the road with bike.

Joe’s bike hits the road.

Joe hits road and keeps moving…. down…. and down…. Joe is not on the road…. Joe is not even near the road, Joe’s is in a bramble of bushes and thorns 10 feet down bloody and bruised, Joe has fallen off a cliff, and it is all Jev’s fault.

Jev feels so bad for this action he offers to buy Joe milkshakes and pizzas to his hearts content, Joe drives Jev home and on the way home Joe buys Jev a burrito because Jev forgot his debit card.

With the same crash, Jev completely bent the front wheel of the bike he was riding, which wasn’t even his bike… it was Paul’s bike.

Earlier in the day Jev crashed Sam’s brand new $1000 bike into gravel.

This is Birdstress.

The Great Journey of Poop December 11, 2008

What's happening to meeeeee?!

More! November 25, 2008

The Great Journey of Poop November 18, 2008

The pirate poops celebrate as they send our poop to its likely death. A blinding light emanates from the toilet. Nobody knows whats behind the light, all the pirate poops know is that no poop that has gone in has ever came out.... then again, if poop does come out of a toilet then it needs to be replaced.

The Great Journey of Poop November 17, 2008

Greatly outnumbered, the poop is forced to use his love fish to kill the stupidest of the pirate poops, but it was not enough to keep from being captured by the disgusting old waterlogged poops.